Category Five (Okay, Maybe Only Category Three) Rant

Warning: some profanity ensues.

Well, it will once I have calmed down just a bit and copied over some hand histories from the ridiculous demonstration of "skills" that the poker blogger community put on in the limit hold'em tourney tonight.

For now, I'm off to relieve some frustration the old fashioned way. By drinking.

*********************

I thought some alcohol would calm me down. It has, to some extent. But not enough for me to laugh when I looked over some of the most retarded plays I've ever seen in a limit tournament.

I really should have known better. I thought perhaps some of the field just might have a clue how to play limit hold'em. It's certainly the game I first played when I started to become a student of the game. I've played it profitably up to the 5/10 level online (which is still very low limits, believe me) and I figured I wasn't alone in that background.

Well, I'm not going to change any names to protect the innocent. If you're in one of the hands I show below, you'll just have to grin and bear it.

Here's Hand #1.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Ah Qc]
FishyMcDonK folds
Astin folds
PirateLawyer raises to 60 -- standard raise
BamBamCan folds
Kajagugu folds
emptyman calls 30 -- BB defends
*** FLOP *** [Jc 7c 3c]
emptyman checks
PirateLawyer bets 30 - standard c-bet with ace-high and the Q-high flush draw
emptyman raises to 60 - c/r; probably has a flush draw
PirateLawyer raises to 90 - time to jam the pot
emptyman raises to 120
PirateLawyer calls 30 -easy call
*** TURN *** [Jc 7c 3c] [Qd]
emptyman checks
PirateLawyer checks - giving a free card is painful but he could already have the flush
*** RIVER *** [Jc 7c 3c Qd] [3s]
emptyman bets 60
PirateLawyer calls 60 - easy call on a blank river
*** SHOW DOWN ***
emptyman shows [5h Ac] a pair of Threes - how to lose nearly the maximum with a naked flush draw
PirateLawyer shows [Ah Qc] two pair, Queens and Threes
PirateLawyer wins the pot (495) with two pair, Queens and Threes
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 495 | Rake 0
Board: [Jc 7c 3c Qd 3s]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer showed [Ah Qc] and won (495) with two pair, Queens and Threes
Seat 2: BamBamCan (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: Kajagugu (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: emptyman (big blind) showed [5h Ac] and lost with a pair of Threes
Seat 5: FishyMcDonK didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: Astin didn't bet (folded)

Look how many extra bets emptyman managed to spew off here. Just awful. He was supremely lucky that I didn't charge the maximum for his draw on the turn or value-raise the river.

Hand #2.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [7c Ah]
BamBamCan folds
Kajagugu folds
emptyman calls 40
FishyMcDonK calls 40
Astin folds
PirateLawyer checks - no need to raise it up in this spot
*** FLOP *** [5s 9d Ac]
PirateLawyer checks - I will c/r here 100% of the time if I get the chance
emptyman checks
FishyMcDonK checks
*** TURN *** [5s 9d Ac] [8h]
PirateLawyer checks
emptyman bets 80
FishyMcDonK folds
PirateLawyer calls 80 - time to milk this situation as best I can with a check-call line
*** RIVER *** [5s 9d Ac 8h] [Kc]
PirateLawyer checks - hoping to c/r here again, but this is really a bit too fancy
emptyman checks
*** SHOW DOWN ***
emptyman shows [Qs Jd] Ace King high -- if you're going to bluff in a multi-way pot, have some outs!
PirateLawyer shows [7c Ah] a pair of Aces
PirateLawyer wins the pot (300) with a pair of Aces
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 300 | Rake 0
Board: [5s 9d Ac 8h Kc]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (big blind) showed [7c Ah] and won (300) with a pair of Aces
Seat 2: BamBamCan didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: Kajagugu didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: emptyman showed [Qs Jd] and lost with Ace King high
Seat 5: FishyMcDonK (button) folded on the Turn
Seat 6: Astin (small blind) folded before the Flop

Hand #3.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Ks Jd]
PirateLawyer raises to 100 - easy first in raise PF
BamBamCan folds
emptyman calls 100 - villain cold calls, which is an awful play; he should 3-bet almost anything here to fold out the blinds
FishyMcDonK folds
Astin folds
*** FLOP *** [Jc Qd 8d]
PirateLawyer checks
emptyman bets 50
PirateLawyer calls 50 - I know he'll fire, so let's let him hang himself
*** TURN *** [Jc Qd 8d] [4s]
PirateLawyer checks
emptyman bets 100
PirateLawyer calls 100 - as above
*** RIVER *** [Jc Qd 8d 4s] [6s]
PirateLawyer checks
emptyman bets 100
PirateLawyer calls 100 - I really should be willing to finally c/r but I settle for calling down
*** SHOW DOWN ***
emptyman shows [5d 4d] a pair of Fours
PirateLawyer shows [Ks Jd] a pair of Jacks
PirateLawyer wins the pot (775) with a pair of Jacks
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 775 | Rake 0
Board: [Jc Qd 8d 4s 6s]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer showed [Ks Jd] and won (775) with a pair of Jacks
Seat 2: BamBamCan didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: emptyman (button) showed [5d 4d] and lost with a pair of Fours
Seat 5: FishyMcDonK (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: Astin (big blind) folded before the Flop

Well, he actually had a real flush draw and bet it the whole way. But is there any way a pair of fours is good here? Not likely. Betting with a draw in a small pot is just spewage. Again he's lucky I didn't re-raise at any point.

Hand #4.

Our first real suckout of the session. This one is a classic 3-outer on the river variety.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Js Kc]
emptyman folds
FishyMcDonK raises to 100
Astin folds
PirateLawyer raises to 150 - easy re-raise to isolate a bad player out of position
BamBamCan folds
FishyMcDonK calls 50
*** FLOP *** [Kd 2c Ts]
PirateLawyer bets 50 - no reason not to lead with a good top pair hand
FishyMcDonK raises to 100
PirateLawyer calls 50 - easy call
*** TURN *** [Kd 2c Ts] [6h]
PirateLawyer checks
FishyMcDonK bets 100
PirateLawyer calls 100 - let's let him hang himself, I'm well ahead of his range here
*** RIVER *** [Kd 2c Ts 6h] [9d]
PirateLawyer checks
FishyMcDonK bets 100
PirateLawyer calls 100 -I'm committed to showdown
*** SHOW DOWN ***
FishyMcDonK shows [Kh 9s] two pair, Kings and Nines
PirateLawyer shows [Js Kc] a pair of Kings
FishyMcDonK wins the pot (950) with two pair, Kings and Nines
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 950 | Rake 0
Board: [Kd 2c Ts 6h 9d]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (small blind) showed [Js Kc] and lost with a pair of Kings
Seat 2: BamBamCan (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: emptyman didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: FishyMcDonK showed [Kh 9s] and won (950) with two pair, Kings and Nines
Seat 6: Astin (button) didn't bet (folded)

I got this villain to bet with an inferior hand the whole way and he happened to hit a miracle river. Whee! It's retarded to play an easily dominated hand like K9 out of position vs. a 3-bettor's range of hands.

Hand #5.

Simply put, I check-call down with ace-high and catch out a bluff, since this villain has shown a propensity to bet with complete air.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [As 9s]
itsgotmetoo folds
emptyman folds
FishyMcDonK folds
Astin folds
PirateLawyer raises to 160 - simple opening raise
BamBamCan raises to 240
PirateLawyer calls 80
*** FLOP *** [4c 6h 5s]
PirateLawyer checks
BamBamCan bets 80
PirateLawyer calls 80
*** TURN *** [4c 6h 5s] [4h]
PirateLawyer checks
BamBamCan bets 160
PirateLawyer calls 160
*** RIVER *** [4c 6h 5s 4h] [Jh]
PirateLawyer checks
BamBamCan bets 160
PirateLawyer calls 160
*** SHOW DOWN ***
BamBamCan shows [Kd Qc] a pair of Fours
PirateLawyer shows [As 9s] a pair of Fours
PirateLawyer wins the pot (1,280) with a pair of Fours

At some point you have to give up with king-high.

Hand #6.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [9c Jc]
itsgotmetoo folds
emptyman folds
FishyMcDonK folds
Astin folds
PirateLawyer calls 40
BamBamCan raises to 160
PirateLawyer calls 80
*** FLOP *** [8d Jh Qh]
PirateLawyer checks
BamBamCan checks
*** TURN *** [8d Jh Qh] [Js] - nice turn card for me, certainly
PirateLawyer bets 160 - time to lead out, certainly
BamBamCan raises to 320 - now he raises!?
PirateLawyer raises to 480 - easy 3-bet
BamBamCan calls 160
*** RIVER *** [8d Jh Qh Js] [Qd]
PirateLawyer bets 160 - I don't like this card but have to bet
BamBamCan calls 160 - what can he possibly be calling with?
*** SHOW DOWN ***
PirateLawyer shows [9c Jc] a full house, Jacks full of Queens
BamBamCan mucks
PirateLawyer wins the pot (1,600) with a full house, Jacks full of Queens
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 1,600 | Rake 0
Board: [8d Jh Qh Js Qd]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (small blind) showed [9c Jc] and won (1,600) with a full house, Jacks full of Queens
Seat 2: BamBamCan (big blind) mucked [8c Ac] - two pair, Queens and Jacks

I have no idea how anyone could figure that an eight was good here. No idea.

Hand #7.

Waffles goes nuts with AK unimproved. Which should be good here about 5% of the time. I've been moved to a new table and have a solid TAG image.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [9s Js]
jeciimd folds
Willywonka1 folds
avoque folds
PirateLawyer raises to 200
MiamiDon calls 150
SirFWALGMan raises to 300
PirateLawyer calls 100
MiamiDon calls 100
*** FLOP *** [7c 3h 6h]
MiamiDon checks
SirFWALGMan bets 100
PirateLawyer raises to 200 - I have nothing but need to raise in this good bluffing situation
MiamiDon folds
SirFWALGMan calls 100
*** TURN *** [7c 3h 6h] [4s]
SirFWALGMan checks
PirateLawyer bets 200 - Need to keep the pressure on
SirFWALGMan calls 200
*** RIVER *** [7c 3h 6h 4s] [3s]
SirFWALGMan checks
PirateLawyer bets 200 - This is a horrible board for a big ace, so let's fire again
SirFWALGMan calls 200
*** SHOW DOWN ***
PirateLawyer shows [9s Js] a pair of Threes
SirFWALGMan shows [Ks Ac] a pair of Threes -- that's a lot of hero calls
SirFWALGMan wins the pot (2,100) with a pair of Threes

Waffles, this rant is for you. You played AK horribly and are lucky your soul-mastery had its day here.

Hand #8. I get a monster hand and get paid off by an overplayed Ax hand, of course.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Kc Kd]
PirateLawyer raises to 240 - first in and auto-raise with this monster
MiamiDon folds
SirFWALGMan folds
jeciimd folds
MiamiDon has returned
Willywonka1 raises to 360
avoque folds
PirateLawyer raises to 480 - auto cap here obviously
Willywonka1 calls 120
*** FLOP *** [2s 8c 7c]
Willywonka1 checks
PirateLawyer bets 120 - auto flop bet
Willywonka1 calls 120
*** TURN *** [2s 8c 7c] [Qh]
Willywonka1 bets 240 - villain leads out, so the queen likely hit him
PirateLawyer calls 240 - I will sneakily call here and raise almost any river
*** RIVER *** [2s 8c 7c Qh] [Tc]
Willywonka1 bets 240 - villain bets out again
PirateLawyer raises to 480 - I raise on cue
Willywonka1 calls 240
*** SHOW DOWN ***
PirateLawyer shows [Kc Kd] a pair of Kings
Willywonka1 mucks
PirateLawyer wins the pot (2,760) with a pair of Kings
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 2,760 | Rake 0
Board: [2s 8c 7c Qh Tc]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer showed [Kc Kd] and won (2,760) with a pair of Kings
Seat 2: MiamiDon didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: jeciimd (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 (small blind) mucked [Ah Qd] - a pair of Queens - classic overplayed TPTK
Seat 6: avoque (big blind) folded before the Flop

Victim should have dumped on the flop unimproved. Instead he spewed several more bets when my 4-bet range has him crushed ( he only beats JJ; QQ+ or AK all take him to the cleaners, as I did here).

Hand #9.

I wasn't involved in this hand but I felt quite sorry for poor MiamiDon such that I need to include this ridiculously overplayed KQ hand:

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Jc Qd]
jeciimd folds
Willywonka1 folds
avoque raises to 240
PirateLawyer folds
MiamiDon raises to 360
SirFWALGMan folds
avoque raises to 480
MiamiDon calls 120
*** FLOP *** [9h 6s Th]
MiamiDon bets 120
avoque raises to 240
MiamiDon raises to 360
avoque calls 94, and is all in
MiamiDon shows [Ah Ad]
avoque shows [Qs Ks]
Uncalled bet of 26 returned to MiamiDon
*** TURN *** [9h 6s Th] [Js]
*** RIVER *** [9h 6s Th Js] [Qc]
MiamiDon shows a pair of Aces
avoque shows a straight, King high
avoque wins the pot (1,748) with a straight, King high
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 1,748 | Rake 0
Board: [9h 6s Th Js Qc]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 2: MiamiDon (small blind) showed [Ah Ad] and lost with a pair of Aces
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: jeciimd didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: avoque showed [Qs Ks] and won (1,748) with a straight, King high

Notice the donkey here hit a miracle two-outer on the turn (I had folded a jack). Capping preflop with KQs is the height of idiocy. Putting the rest of your stack in unimproved on the flop with a mere gutshot is insane.

Hand #10.

This proved that this villain was just about the worst limit tournament player in existence. He called off a huge portion of his stack with ace-high, no pair and no draw. Words fail me.
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [9d Jd]
Willywonka1 raises to 300
avoque folds
PirateLawyer raises to 450
NumbBono folds
SirFWALGMan folds
Willywonka1 calls 150
*** FLOP *** [2h 7h 5s]
Willywonka1 bets 150 - he leads out on a flop that can't have helped him
PirateLawyer raises to 300 - easy bluff raise
Willywonka1 calls 150
*** TURN *** [2h 7h 5s] [6s]
Willywonka1 checks
PirateLawyer bets 300 - no time to stop firing
Willywonka1: hey stop
Willywonka1 has 15 seconds left to act
Willywonka1 calls 300
*** RIVER *** [2h 7h 5s 6s] [7c]
Willywonka1 checks
PirateLawyer bets 300 - again, he has no piece of this board, I need to bet to win
Willywonka1 has 15 seconds left to act
Willywonka1: whatever
Willywonka1: a gift
Willywonka1 calls 300 - insane hero call
*** SHOW DOWN ***
PirateLawyer shows [9d Jd] a pair of Sevens
Willywonka1 shows [Td Ad] a pair of Sevens
Willywonka1 wins the pot (2,925) with a pair of Sevens
Willywonka1: i win - no shit Sherlock
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 2,925 | Rake 0
Board: [2h 7h 5s 6s 7c]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (button) showed [9d Jd] and lost with a pair of Sevens
Seat 2: NumbBono (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 5: Willywonka1 showed [Td Ad] and won (2,925) with a pair of Sevens
Seat 6: avoque didn't bet (folded)

Ace-ten. He went to war with ace-ten unimproved on every freakin' street. There were no diamonds to match his pretty suited cards. Pure insanity.

Hand #11: oh I run good. Sure this shorty was kinda priced in but this was a retarded spot to push ATC.

Seat 1: PirateLawyer (2,455)
Seat 2: NumbBono (4,565)
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (7,469)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 (7,302)
Seat 6: avoque (593)
Willywonka1 posts the small blind of 100
avoque posts the big blind of 200
The button is in seat #3
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Kd Kc]
PirateLawyer raises to 400 - UTG raise with a monster to isolate the shorty and win the blinds
NumbBono folds
SirFWALGMan folds
Willywonka1 folds
avoque raises to 593, and is all in
PirateLawyer calls 193 - instacall!
avoque shows [3c As]
PirateLawyer shows [Kd Kc]
*** FLOP *** [Ah 3d 5d] - fawk you FTP
*** TURN *** [Ah 3d 5d] [Jd]
*** RIVER *** [Ah 3d 5d Jd] [2h]
avoque shows two pair, Aces and Threes
PirateLawyer shows a pair of Kings
avoque wins the pot (1,286) with two pair, Aces and Threes
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 1,286 | Rake 0
Board: [Ah 3d 5d Jd 2h]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer showed [Kd Kc] and lost with a pair of Kings
Seat 2: NumbBono didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: avoque (big blind) showed [3c As] and won (1,286) with two pair, Aces and Threes

Hand #12. I'm steaming from the last hand and am now short-stacked. So I actually suckout vs. AQ for a change with A9s, go figure.

Seat 1: PirateLawyer (1,162)
Seat 2: NumbBono (3,479)
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (8,269)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 (7,202)
Seat 6: avoque (2,272)
NumbBono posts the small blind of 100
SirFWALGMan posts the big blind of 200
SirFWALGMan: wow
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Ac 9c]
avoque: oooouuuuucccccchhhh
avoque: jesus
Willywonka1 folds
avoque folds
PirateLawyer raises to 400 - easy opening raise on the button
NumbBono calls 300 - SB cold calls
SirFWALGMan raises to 600 - Waffles 3-bets from the BB
PirateLawyer raises to 800 - easy cap as I'm pot committed
NumbBono folds - I get the SB to fold and create some dead money for a nice overlay; this is a key concept to master for cash games
SirFWALGMan calls 200
*** FLOP *** [2c 7c Kh]
SirFWALGMan bets 200
PirateLawyer raises to 362, and is all in - easy jam on this flop
SirFWALGMan calls 162
PirateLawyer shows [Ac 9c]
SirFWALGMan shows [Qs Ah]
*** TURN *** [2c 7c Kh] [3c] - I get there!
*** RIVER *** [2c 7c Kh 3c] [4h]
PirateLawyer shows a flush, Ace high
SirFWALGMan shows Ace King high
PirateLawyer wins the pot (2,724) with a flush, Ace high
PirateLawyer: one time
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 2,724 | Rake 0
Board: [2c 7c Kh 3c 4h]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (button) showed [Ac 9c] and won (2,724) with a flush, Ace high
Seat 2: NumbBono (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (big blind) showed [Qs Ah] and lost with Ace King high
Seat 5: Willywonka1 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: avoque didn't bet (folded)

Sometimes you have to gamble it up when your big hands get cracked.

Lucky Hand #13, my bustout hand. It really speaks for itself.

Seat 1: PirateLawyer (1,324)
Seat 2: NumbBono (2,067)
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan (5,894)
Seat 4: itsgotmetoo (13,430)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 (11,124)
PirateLawyer posts the small blind of 125
NumbBono posts the big blind of 250
The button is in seat #6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to PirateLawyer [Kh As]
SirFWALGMan folds
itsgotmetoo folds
Willywonka1 folds
PirateLawyer raises to 500
NumbBono has 15 seconds left to act
NumbBono calls 250
*** FLOP *** [5c Jh Kc]
PirateLawyer bets 250
NumbBono raises to 500
PirateLawyer raises to 750
NumbBono raises to 1,000
PirateLawyer calls 74, and is all in
NumbBono shows [3d Kd]
PirateLawyer shows [Kh As]
Uncalled bet of 176 returned to NumbBono
*** TURN *** [5c Jh Kc] [3s]
*** RIVER *** [5c Jh Kc 3s] [8s]
NumbBono shows two pair, Kings and Threes
PirateLawyer shows a pair of Kings
NumbBono wins the pot (2,648) with two pair, Kings and Threes
PirateLawyer stands up
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 2,648 | Rake 0
Board: [5c Jh Kc 3s 8s]
Seat 1: PirateLawyer (small blind) showed [Kh As] and lost with a pair of Kings
Seat 2: NumbBono (big blind) showed [3d Kd] and won (2,648) with two pair, Kings and Threes
Seat 3: SirFWALGMan didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: itsgotmetoo didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Willywonka1 didn't bet (folded)

I hope these hands illustrate just how cavalierly people were treating their tournament lives. It was a gong show. Fawk!